Writing and Ambition

- Don't be evil. That's what is in my mind these days. That's what I am telling myself. 'Don't be evil, Mohit.'
The thing is: I was a very ambitious aspiring writer. Therefore, desperate. I wanted things to happen to me. I used to think that if I am promising to create something good, something really good, I deserve the recognition and rewards. And now that I can clearly see that with this kind of mentality I am never going to be happy with the outcomes, what recourse would I be bound to choose? To be evil. (To think evil of the world and others, at least.)
Well, I am not an aspiring writer anymore, good things have happened to me, and I am wiser with age, but the pattern of thought remains. I guess this brings us back to the word - Greed. Or Entitlement. The packages that contain thoughts like my writing should bring me rewards.
Does this have anything to do with ambition?
Ambition fuels the desire to write despite your life situation, pushes you to take risks, aim big. It gets that extra out of you. It does not allow you to be mediocre or complacent. But it complicates things too. It deludes you (- delusions of grandeur). It separates you from people, from the life around you. It strengthens the otherness - 'that which I need to conquer'. 'To those I need to show.' Ambition is certainly very appealing for the Self.
I just want to keep things simple, you know. Do what I love. Offer something beautiful. Share the deeply felt, the personal that might be of some value to others. And not in a glib, flippant manner. Rather, in a thorough, careful, thoughtful manner. How you make presents for your loved one. (As I am writing this the image of Barton Fink has come to my mind, sitting in the studio office towards the end of the movie, explaining in vain his writing of the metaphorical boxing movie. 'I just wanted to say something that is true for all of us.'* Hah!)
Ambition brings evil** thoughts. It does. It did to me. I thought I had a point to prove through my writing. I thought there were things to achieve. Well, there are... but that's not how I would like to go about things. About life. Ambition can bring superfluous notions and they may have their place, but they cannot be allowed to be at the core of your motivation for writing.
You can see from this small note that my thoughts are not that clear or structured... that I am trying to make a case but it is not compelling. This is because I am thinking as I am writing, I am writing what I am thinking - I haven't thought it out. Basically, in the process of doing away with all that is unnecessary to concentrate on writing for writing's sake.
Say, writing for experiencing's sake.

- Going to a nice quiet place for the weekend to see a "friend". A hotel overlooking a lake. I already wish I had more time to spend there. Still, it will be every bit worthwhile and... more. Excited!

- The tune of this song is in my head, playing without stopping. Even if you haven't seen Boyhood, you will enjoy listening to this Family of the Year number (assuming you haven't). Here you go:


*I am misquoting Barton Fink there I think. Not sure of the exact words.
**I am not going into 'define evil'. Allow me to loosely use the word here. Every word I use here I use loosely. Comes with just saying things. 
  

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